Tuesday, May 20, 2008

A little laugh

Of course, I know what you all had been hoping....a post on May 20, 2008 announcing the timely arrival of Swanny Jr. on his due date. I know it's only lunchtime, but I don't think that he's going to oblige. So, in his absence, I thought I would pass along something that came from my mother-in-law, Paws on email. Just a quick word about Paws--she almost always forwards good emails so if you ever get one from her, read it. It will either enlighten you, educate you or make you pee your pants from laughing (or because you've lost all bladder control at 40 weeks pregnant). At any rate, she can be one of the funniest people I know, aside from Swanny. I'm certain that his sense of humor is a mix of her wit and Swanny Sr.'s nack for punny comments. Throw all of that together and add a desire for correct grammar and you have Swanny. After nearly 12 years with that man in my life, you'll see that I enjoyed the following:

Once again, The Washington Post has published thewinning submissions to its yearly neologism contest,in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. I LOVED THIS ONE!!!
8. Gargoyle (n.),olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

TheWashington Post's Style Invitational alsoasked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing oneletter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupidpeople that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign ofbreaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation aboutyourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for anindefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author ofsarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenouslywhen you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (Thisone got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody issending off all these really bad vibes, right? Andthen, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, aserious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupidideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic danceperformed just after you've accidentally walkedthrough a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of amosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in themorning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn afterfinding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Don't we all know at least one person who really is the definition of number 16 above?

Feel free to provide an alternate meaning for a word not listed or to change a word and give it a new definition (if you're into that kind of thing) and share on the comments!!


Anonymous said...

No, it wasn't the post I was expecting, but it gave me a little midday humor. Good luck Jen and I hope for your sake it's soon. I can't wait to hear his real name, instead of Swanny, Jr. (no offense Swanny)!


zztopdog said...

Too bad Paws's trivia skills don't match her wit! ;)

The Mrs. said...

Too funny? Do you suppose I would get any strange looks if I start typing, "speech sound production falls outside of developmental norms. Student exhibits the following phonological processes: cluster reduction, velar fronting, and lymph"?

jen said...

lymph--the perfect diagnosis to co-treat!

pseudored2 said...

Come on little swanny jr- we are all waiting! but thanks for the mid day fun!

BretCB said...

Dopeler effect > *

And so true, as well ...