Weekend Update volume 9

Men out there--you're on notice.

(Taken from Saturday's edition of the Quad City Times)

"Making its way around the e-mail world is a list titled "Nine Words Women Use." It's meant as a guide for men. So, fellas, pay attention:

1. FINE--This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. FIVE MINUTES--If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. NOTHING--This is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine."

4. GO AHEAD--This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!

5. LOUD SIGH--This is not actually a word, but it is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of "nothing.")

6. THAT'S OK--This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's OK" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. THANKS--A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say "you're welcome." (We must add a clause here. This is true unless she says "Thanks a lot." That is pure sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. Do not say "You're welcome" in response. That will bring on a "whatever." See below.)

8. WHATEVER--This is a woman's way of giving her man a directive that begins with a four-letter word.

9. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT--Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something the woman has told the man to do several times but is no doing herself. This will later result in a man asking, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response to that, refer to #3."

Gentlemen, I hope this helps clear up any misunderstandings out there.

Ladies, you're welcome.